13 July 2020
By Renee Yam
Having kids is rewarding, it gives our lives deep meaning and purpose. But kids do change our relationship to everything in our life, including our sex life! What was a priority before isn’t anymore and what wasn’t a priority before is now.
Our adoring little humans, that we are obsessed with, demand our attention 24/7 leaving us with little uninterrupted time for ourselves, let alone for each other. Its so easy for sex to be a task at the bottom of our to-do-list for the day.
Sex is a powerful brain-bonding experience that can affirm a couple and remind them that before they were parents, they were lovers. They laughed, flirted, teased, had fun, dated, dined and played together. Kids need their parents in loving healthy committed relationships to keep building their sexual intimacy. Your marriage is so important, it holds your family together.
So how can you keep sexual intimacy a priority in your relationship?
GREET YOUR SPOUSE FIRST
So often when we get home, we go straight to our kids. Of course, its not hard to go to them first when they are waiting at the door to greet us with love and affection. Make it intentional to go to each other first, give each other a hug or kiss and ask how their day was. It shows your kids that your spouse is a priority.
DATE EACH OTHER
It’s a wonderful thing to be pursued, desired and wanted by the person that we love. It’s a choice to be intentional about creating moments and memories together that are fun, adventurous and new. What new memory or new adventure have you been on lately? What new restaurant or new location have you visited together? Invest into date nights or couple time, the future of your marriage is worth the money you spend on a babysitter. And if you can’t do that, turn your living room into a date night. Dim the lights, order delivery dinner, light some candles, put some music on and throw out the picnic rug and enjoy a date at home.
On that date, try not to just talk about the cute things your kids did that day. Focus on each other, make each other laugh, tell silly jokes, ask questions about how each other are going or dream about the future. Highlight the things you love about each other, tell your spouse the good things they do for you. Appreciate them, say please and thank you on a daily basis.
CREATE ADULT TIME IN YOUR FAMILY
Establish a bed time routine with your kids that allows you adult time. E.g. set bed time or set time that kids have quiet time in their room so adults can have time in their room (that doesn’t mean you have to have sex but it creates boundaries and shows our kids that adults need time together on their own as well). It also gives you as a couple permission to connect and be present with each other.
GET A LOCK ON YOUR BEDROOM DOOR
As parents we can feel like locking the door means we aren’t available to our kids or we are not attending to their needs. Closing the door means a person wants privacy and this is a helpful boundary to teach kids. Even as kids, they need privacy and down time for their own personal wellness. A lock on the door does not mean you are not available to them, its pretty hard to ignore a cry or scream anyway.
Don’t assume you know everything about each other. There is so much to know about a person! We are constantly changing, developing and growing. When we are curious, we seek to understand and know more. In your sexual intimacy with your spouse, how can you stay curious? How can you seek to know more about what they like, enjoy, what brings them satisfaction or adventure, what makes them feel safe or what turns them on? What makes them feel desired and wanted?
Work together to cultivate curiosity in your intimacy. And remember, your kids are a product of your love together.
Keep loving each other well! Its an investment worth making!