Why Scheduling Sex Isn’t the Shortcut to Intimacy

Putting sex on the calendar doesn’t guarantee intimacy.

Sure, life gets full. There are kids to raise, ministries to lead, deadlines to meet, and a hundred other things pulling for your attention. And yes, creating space for intimacy is wise - it shows intention.

But real intimacy?

It isn’t built in a time slot.

It’s built in the ordinary moments that come before it.

Should We Be Scheduling Sex?

A lot of people ask me,

“Should we schedule sex? Or should it just be spontaneous?”

Honestly, if you have a full life with family, ministry, work and everything in between - spontaneity can feel rare. That’s where scheduling can help.

But let’s be clear about something:

👉 Scheduling sex in marriage might seem practical…

👉 But it’s not a shortcut to intimacy.

And it’s definitely not the solution if one person is showing up with pressure instead of presence, or dread instead of desire.

You should always feel free to say,

“Hey babe, actually I’m not in the mood right now. I know you were hoping to connect, but I need some time or tonight is not going to work, I’m too tired.”

Because if you feel like you have to follow through - when you’re tired, disconnected, or still holding onto tension - that’s not mutual.

That’s obligation.

And obligation is the enemy of real intimacy.

What Christian Couples Are Saying

When I asked my community on Instagram (@renee.yam) about this, here’s what they shared:

📊 67% said they don’t schedule sex in marriage

📊 39% said it doesn’t work well for both partners

📊 37% said it feels like another task on the to-do list

Many also said it adds pressure - like they have to follow through, even if they’re not in the mood.

That pressure? It’s what turns something sacred, beautiful and connecting into something that feels performative and disconnected.

What Actually Helps: Creating Space, Not Pressure

Scheduling sex can serve a purpose.

It can help you prioritise time together when life is full. But it isn’t the only way to feel close and connected, and it’s not the only way to build intimacy.

Real intimacy grows in how you show up for each other in the moments before and outside of sex.

So here’s the better question:

• Are you creating space to be present with each other - without pressure, without expectations?

• And how do you protect that space in your marriage? Space for presence with no agendas. 

Not everything needs to lead to sex.

Some of the most powerful forms of intimacy are found in the ordinary moments when we are ‘present’:

• Holding hands during a walk

• Sharing a hug without agenda

• Sitting in silence together after a long day

• Saying “not tonight” and still feeling safe and close

When you intentionally create space for connection - emotional, spiritual, physical - it becomes a foundation.

These everyday acts of connection make intimacy feel natural, mutual, and meaningful… rather than forced, scripted, or obligatory.

And it shifts the focus from performance to presence.

When you prioritise presence over pressure, everything changes.

You show up more open, more emotionally connected, more attuned to one another.

Here are just a few ways couples can build that kind of connection:

• Planning unrushed time together, even if it’s just 10 minutes

• Sharing physical affection without it needing to go further

• Having regular emotional check-ins

• Giving each other permission to say “not tonight” without guilt

• Repairing after conflict rather than letting resentment fester

These aren’t grand gestures.

They’re small, everyday acts that build trust, closeness, and intimacy over time.

Because some of the most intimate moments?

They aren’t sexual at all.

They’re quiet, sacred moments of simply being together.

And those moments? They lay the foundation for everything else.

Here’s What I Want You to Know

You can schedule sex.

But don’t forget to also schedule connection.

Because:

🧡 Foreplay doesn’t start 10 minutes before sex. 

It starts in how you talk to each other after a long day. 

It starts in the way you share affection with no expectations. 

It starts in those small, intentional acts of kindness and curiosity.

So yes, protect time.

Yes, build anticipation.

But don’t forget to nurture connection in the ordinary, in-between moments too.

Try This Instead

✨ Practical tip: If scheduling sex feels like pressure, try scheduling connection.

Try:

• A walk where you hold hands

• A phone-free cuddle on the couch

• A fun shared activity (a puzzle, a board game, dancing in the kitchen)

• Space to rest and just be close, without expectations

Let that closeness grow, and let intimacy flow from there.

💛 Some Encouragement

If you’ve been wrestling with pressure, mismatched desire, or wondering why scheduled sex still feels disconnected - you are not alone.

Your intimacy doesn’t need to be perfect.(Some days it just doesn’t work out, and that’s okay.)

But it does need to be:

• Mutual

• Consensual

• Kind and Patient

• Built on love - not just calendars and checkboxes.

  
  

Here is your next step:

Want to check in on how connected you feel - emotionally, spiritually, and physically? 

Take my free Intimacy Check-Up Quiz for couples just like you. 

👉 Click here to take it NOW

Want to go deeper?

If you’ve been wondering how to create more space for connection in your marriage - or if mental load, stress, or exhaustion makes it hard to get in the mood - this is exactly what I walk women through inside my course, Hello Liberty.

It’s a biblically grounded, shame-free journey to help you embrace your sexuality, manage the mindset blocks, and build real intimacy with your husband - emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Curious to learn more?

👉 Check out Hello Liberty HERE