We Called It ‘It’: Why Talking About Sex (Even Before Marriage) Matters More Than You Think

Let’s be honest, talking about sex in a Christian relationship can feel... awkward. Clunky. Vulnerable. Maybe even a little embarrassing.

But here’s the thing: you’re not alone. Even as a sexologist who studied this at a university level, I found it awkward at first, even in marriage.

When my husband and I were newly married, we’d use code words like:

“Do you want to… do it?”

We actually referred to sex as “it.” Looking back, it’s funny, but also deeply revealing of how much we hadn’t learned to talk about something that’s so central to intimacy and connection.

And that’s not just us, that’s most Christian couples. Because most of us weren’t taught how.

Why We Struggle to Talk About Sex

We didn’t grow up seeing or hearing healthy conversations about sex.In many homes, sex was never mentioned. In others, it was shrouded in shame or fear.

And silence? That’s a message too.

So when you enter a relationship, even a safe, godly marriage, it’s no wonder that finding the right words feels like learning a foreign language.

Even with a Master’s in Sexual Health, I still had to practice learning how to talk about it openly and the more you talk about it, over time, you can become more comfortable with the topic. 

If You’re Married: Start Small

When it comes to intimacy, conversation is connection.

Before diving into what’s working (or not) physically, start broader:

Ask each other things like:

• What did your family communicate (directly or indirectly) about sex?

• What did your church, youth group, or culture say about intimacy?

• What shows or movies shaped your expectations about relationships?

When you explore your background stories, you realise, this isn’t about blame.

It’s about understanding each other more deeply.

You can even use this as a conversation date idea.

Try talking while walking or driving, sometimes shoulder-to-shoulder is easier than face-to-face.

If you’re curious how these small shifts build intimacy, check out my blog Why Scheduling Sex Isn’t the Shortcut to Intimacy.

Bring the bible into it.

If you’ve only ever heard sex spoken about in warnings, read Song of Songs together.

It’s poetic, passionate, and shockingly bold about desire and mutual pleasure.

Sex isn’t sinful,  it’s sacred.

It’s a gift from God to be celebrated within marriage, and its beauty is reflected in the way we treat each other with honour, safety, and respect.

If You’re Dating: Don’t Wait to Talk About It

Here’s a myth we need to break:

You can’t talk about sex until you’re married.

Even if you’re not talking about it, you’re thinking about it.

So why not have honest, respectful, faith-filled conversations early on?

I’m not talking about graphic details, I’m talking about communication, expectations, and values.

Find a comfortable, public setting like a café or go for a walk.

Don’t have these conversations late at night in dim lighting (that’s not wise!).

But do have them.

The more you normalise talking about sex, in a healthy, biblical way, the easier it becomes to discuss your boundaries and build emotional safety in dating.

You can learn more about this in Is Taking It Slow the Key to Successful Christian Dating?

Want a glimpse into how I talk about this on Instagram? 🎥 Watch my short video here.

Practical Ways to Start the Conversation

If words don’t come easily, try these simple ways to begin:

• Write your thoughts first. It helps you express yourself with clarity.

• Text a question or reflection. Sometimes the screen helps you say what’s hard to say face-to-face.

• Go for a walk or drive. Shoulder-to-shoulder conversations reduce pressure.

• Plan a “conversation date.” The goal? Just to be curious — not to fix anything.

You don’t have to cover everything in one night.

What matters most is creating a safe, judgment-free space to begin.

Because when you give voice to the things you were never taught to say, you start reclaiming intimacy, from the inside out.

Ready to Grow in Confidence and Connection?

If you’re married, and you want to get better at having honest, shame-free conversations about intimacy, start here 👇

🎁 Download my FREE guide: 

“How to Talk to Your Husband About Intimacy (Without Awkwardness or Pressure)” 

It’s practical, biblical, and designed to help you build emotional safety before physical intimacy. 

If you’d love more faith-based insights, real stories, and tools to strengthen your marriage or dating relationship: 

💌 Join my newsletter and get my latest insights straight to your inbox each week. 

Because honest conversations lead to holy connection, and that’s worth talking about.