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Patience and the Bedroom

Patience isn’t a 'sexy' word.

Pick up the remote, start watching your favourite Netflix show and you’ll find sex portrayed as the exact opposite: spontaneous, desirable and effortless fireworks.

Both partners are charged with energy, adventure and a telepathic knowledge of how to please the other.

Unsurprisingly, Netflix isn’t a great representation of sex in real life. In fact, its representation can be quite misleading to countless real-life couples who have exclusively committed to each other for years and decades.

couple in bed

The truth is that over time, being in a relationship means you may not always get what you want. You might be frustrated, lack sexual satisfaction or have to endure periods that aren’t your ‘ideal.’

You have to be patient.

But it’s not all doom and gloom, because patience is actually vital for a healthy sexual relationship with realistic expectations.

Here's why:

You’re not always going to be in the mood for sex at the same time. One

might be up for it 24/7, and the other partner might need time, warming up, or advance notice to be prepared for sex.

It’s likely you’ll have different preferences. One might prefer a specific

position, a particular time (such as morning sex), or the house cleaned first. The other partner may like long, drawn-out extended lovemaking, weekend sex, or spontaneous playfulness.

Then there’s the possibility of sexual problems added to the mix – low sexual desire, painful sex, difficulty getting aroused or experiencing orgasms. In these cases, sex won’t just 'happen' as you expect it to – uncomplicated and instantly gratifying.

And when our experience doesn't match our expectations, we can become impatient.

And this is when problems can arise, because an impatient lover is an

inattentive lover.

Developing patience in our sexual relationship enables us to become better lovers. Patience teaches us to slow down, be present, and seek to


It teaches us to be flexible and adaptable. It teaches us to slow down to see a different perspective. It teaches us to be curious about each other.

Intimacy is a journey over a lifetime.

Patience allows you to understand what helps your partner become aroused and experience orgasm, what turns them on, and what makes them feel safe and comfortable during sex.

Sex is complex. When you’re patient it creates space for you and your partner to know each other on a deeper level, something that wouldn’t happen if sex is instant, effortless and straightforward every time.

Four Benefits of Patience in Your Sex Life

1. Patience takes the pressure off performance.

When we focus on how long we last, how big our orgasm can be, or how good we are at pleasing our partner, sex becomes a performance. The result? Stress and performance anxiety. If we’re patient instead, it removes this performative expectation, and gives us space to understand how our bodies function together, and how we’re sexually different from our partner.

2. Patience means we can be present enough to slow things down

Our minds are so distracted, it’s hard to stay present in anything. Sex is no exception! Our minds can drift, we think of our ‘to-do’ list, worry about how the sexual experience is going, or silently hope that it will be over soon (am I joking? Sadly not!). Distracting thoughts can create two things: disconnect and rush. This result is that we’re disconnected from our partner, or try to rush the experience, preventing us from being present in mind, body, and soul with our partner.

Being present enables you to show up in the experience with your partner. Your thoughts, energy, and emotions are focused on what you two are experiencing together.

Engage in the five senses of sensual touch, and try these things to slow

lovemaking down:

● Glide your finger down the inside of your partner’s arm

● Whisper in each other’s ear

● Play with each other’s hair

● Run your finger over their lips

● Hold each other skin to skin

3. Patience is a wise teacher

As onions have many layers, there are many layers to your partner. We’ll

never truly know everything about our partner, and patience keeps us in the game long enough to find out new things.

We have to stay curious:

What can I discover about my partner?

● When sex isn’t hitting the spot, what’s my partner concerned about?

● How can I make them feel wanted when I’m not in the mood for sex?

● Although we’re busy, is my partner still happy with the frequency of


Although these questions are focused on your partner, they have the added benefit of helping you to learn more about yourself.

4. Patience extends lovemaking

Your intimacy together does not have to be a rush to the finish line. You can make it last longer by slowing down your lovemaking with a touch of variety and thought. Try these ideas for added ‘spice’ to extended lovemaking sessions:

● Tease each other

● Give each other a full body massage

● Undress each other slowly, one item at a time

● Have a 6-course meal at home and remove one item of clothing for

each course

● Dance together to your favourite love song

Over time, patience yields far greater results than instant gratification, it gives us the tools we need to weather the ups and downs of life, take the pressure off performance and to slow down enough to explore new ways to satisfaction.

Sure, guns-blazing, frenzied and spontaneous sex has its place (HELLO!), but work towards patience, and there’s something even better waiting at the end of the road: the opportunity for each partner to be fully known.


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