Desire Isn’t Dirty: Embracing Your Sexuality and Finding Your Voice as a Christian Wife

There was a time early in my marriage when I felt embarrassed to talk about sex with my husband, let alone express my desire. Growing up in a Christian community, it wasn’t a conversation we had openly, so I wasn’t prepared for how complicated it could feel.

I went into marriage with unrealistic expectations, zero language to actually talk about intimacy, and a whole lot of awkwardness. It wasn’t until I started educating myself - through resources that taught me about sexuality and God’s design - and intentionally creating a safe, trusted space in my marriage to talk openly that I realized something important: Desire Isn’t Dirty. It’s God-Given.

Why Christian Wives Struggle to Talk About Desire

Too often, Christian women feel guilty about wanting more - or less - sexual intimacy in their marriages. But what if your desire wasn’t something to be fixed or hidden, but something to be understood?

Desire is a natural, God-given part of who you are. Men and women are created as sexual beings, but in many Christian circles, we rarely talk specifically about women’s sexuality. Social conditioning often links sex solely to men’s desires, leaving women feeling left out - or worse - ashamed.

For far too long, Christian wives have been taught:

❌ Men want sex more. ❌ Women should just “respond.” ❌ Female desire is wrong or selfish.

If you’ve grown up hearing these messages, it makes sense that you might feel conflicted or confused about your own desires. You might be carrying beliefs that were never true, like:

• “Sex is my duty.”

• “A good wife doesn’t need to enjoy it—just do it.”

• “Talking about what I want makes me seem selfish.”

These aren’t just outdated ideas - they’re harmful narratives that keep Christian women feeling silent, disconnected, and stuck in shame.

Breaking Free from Guilt and Shame Around Desire

In my work as a Christian sexologist, I see it time and time again - women who lack the language to talk about their sexuality. The silence within families and church communities contrasts sharply with the unrealistic portrayals of intimacy we see in movies, leaving women unsure of how to understand or express their own desires.

These conflicting messages can leave you questioning your worth as a wife or feeling like something is wrong with you - especially if your desire doesn’t match what you’ve been told is “normal.”

You might feel confused, thinking, “There must be something wrong with me for having a higher desire than my husband.” Or guilt might creep in, making you think, “If I loved my spouse more, I’d want sex more.” Sometimes, self-doubt takes over: “There’s something wrong with me because I’m not as interested.”

Understanding Desire Differences in Marriage

Let’s Clear This Up:

✅ Women are created with desire too. ✅ Your drive - whether high, low, or somewhere in between - is not wrong or sinful. ✅ Wanting closeness and intimacy in marriage is a GOOD and God-given thing.

Many women label themselves as having “low desire” without really knowing what that means, or what to do about it. Sometimes, it’s a phase; other times, it’s linked to stress, fatigue, relationship dynamics, or health issues. On the other hand, having a higher desire than your spouse can also leave you feeling unloved or unwanted.

But here’s the truth:

• Neither high nor low desire is wrong.

• Your desire doesn’t determine your worth as a wife.

• Desire fluctuates, and that’s okay.

Why Speaking Up Isn’t Selfish

One of the biggest challenges when couples have desire differences is that women often feel awkward or scared to talk about their needs. They worry that being honest might hurt their spouse’s feelings or make them seem “too much” or “not enough.”

Being honest about your desires - or your need to understand this part of you better - is not selfish.

When I finally expressed my needs clearly in my own marriage, it allowed both of us to stop guessing what the other was thinking. Speaking openly actually brought us closer.

3 Practical Tips for Communicating Your Needs:

1. Start with Curiosity: “I’ve noticed I’d love to spend more time feeling close and connected with you—can we talk about that?”

2. Use “I Feel” Statements:

   • “I feel more desired when you initiate.”

   • “I feel unsure how to share my needs without feeling awkward—can we work on that together?”

3. Invite Your Spouse Into the Process: Instead of framing it as a problem, invite your spouse to explore it with you:

   • “I’d love for us to figure out how we can both feel fulfilled—can we try some new things together?”

   • “When I’m in the mood and you’re not, I can start to feel unsure of myself. Can you help me feel secure in those moments—maybe through affection or reassuring words?”

Final Thoughts: Give Yourself Permission

Desire isn’t something you have to “fix” or “silence.” It’s a God-given part of who you are, designed to be embraced and understood within the safety of marriage.

You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just being willing to explore your needs and communicate them is a powerful step toward building deeper intimacy.

💛 It’s time to give yourself permission to understand this part of you and start having honest conversations about female desire in your marriage.

Ready to Learn More?

If you’re ready to take that step, my Hello Liberty Course is designed just for you. Learn how to embrace your sexuality, confidently communicate your needs, and deepen your connection with your spouse.

Take the first step towards freedom and intimacy today.

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